Discovering Your Spouse has Asperger Syndrome
Maintaining a Successful Relationship With High Functioning Autism
Oct 11, 2009
What happens when you discover that your spouse has Asperger's Syndrome (AS) after you are married? How does this form of high functioning autism affect a relationship? Sometimes newlywed couples can enter into marriage not knowing that they or their significant other is affected by autism.
Signs and Symptoms of Asperger Syndrome
In a marriage it is common for a husband and wife to have some disagreements. They may find little things that get on each others nerves. They may often misunderstand one another, but usually a couple can find a way to work things out in a healthy relationship.
On the other hand, a couple affected by Asperger Syndrome may have larger issues. A wife may start to see a particular pattern in the actions of her husband or the way he avoids confrontation. She may not understand why he doesn't remember things or offer to help her around the house. She may wonder why he doesn't catch on to her hints for affection or let her finish a conversation. At first she may pass it off as laziness or stubbornness. For a couple not knowing of the possibility of Asperger Syndrome, it may soon lead to frustration, anger and hurt feelings.
Some of the signs of Asperger's include:
- lack of eye contact
- problems with planning and lack of organizational skills
- lack of social skills
- one sided conversations
- repetitive movements or hand flapping
- misunderstanding of nonverbal cues and sarcasm
- the need to be constantly cued
- overfocus or obsession with certain activities
- need to have certain routines or structure
Accepting the Diagnosis
Once Asperger Syndrome is suspected, couples may find help by speaking to a doctor or specialist in autistic disorders for confirmation. This is not always easy to achieve. Often in a relationship a partner is unwilling to accept that something is wrong. They do not want to be different or have a label put upon them. Part of the battle is getting the spouse to open up or talk about their differences. Someone with AS will not easily be able to express their feelings. They may not be able to explain why they must have certain routines or events structured. They may not be able to tell you why they don't like talking to other people or why they get so absorbed in their obsessions.
It is important that both marriage partners are able to talk and listen to each other. The partner with AS will more easily accept a diagnosis if they know it isn't going to change the way the other feels about them. A spouse must show unconditional love and acceptance for their partner. A diagnosis doesn't mean they are disabled or stupid. Often, adults who have felt they were odd or different most of their lives will feel more enlightened when accepting Asperger's. For years they may have felt something was wrong with them when actually they just had a different way of thinking. Their mind was wired differently than the other kids.
Creating a Successful Marriage With Asperger Syndrome
Once husband and wife accept that AS is going to be part of their lives, there are steps they can take to make their relationship work. Having a spouse with Asperger Syndrome is a give and take relationship. They may have to accept the lack of spontaneity. They must realize they need to be more direct in their communication. It may be difficult at first, but there are many support groups and self help ideas that can be found on the web from Canada, the UK, the United States, and all over the world.
Other helpful ideas may be:
- setting up to do lists, calendars, reminders
- establishing routines and plans agreed on by both partners
- setting up times to openly listen to each other
- asking spouse to ask questions when they are not sure of nonverbal cues
- be accepting of each others dislikes, quirks, or calming activities
Married couples affected by one or even both partners with AS can have a happy, loving, and successful relationship. It may take a little work and a little extra effort, but it is possible and it is worth it. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, couples that truly love each other can and will make their marriage work.
Sources
Mary E. Muscari, PhD, CPNP APRN-BC, CFNS, How Should I Evaluate An Adult for Possible Asperger's Syndrome?, Available http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/531750,May 10, 2006.
Beth McHugh, Coping with an adult with Asperger's, Available http://mental-.health.families.com/blog/coping-with-an-adult-with-asperger's-4, October 26, 2006.
 |
